An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sex with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."
On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"