Your mama is so ugly that when I told her to do the robot, R2-D2 got herpes.
Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.
There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: Because they don't know where home is.
The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power.
Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Yo mamma's so stupid, she thought Free Willy was a porno film.
Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!
''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"
Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!
Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!
Q. Why did the apple run away?
A. Because the banana split!
Q. What is the color of the wind?
Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Yo mama's hair is so full of dandruff, when she shook her head, the principal called a snow day.
Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.