Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.
Once there were three balloons who lived in a house. Mammy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon. One night baby balloon had a bad dream and went into his mam and dad’s bedroom. He was upset so they suggested that he sleep with them that night. All went well until an hour or two later. It was cold and the blankets weren’t big enough to cover all three of them. No sooner had he pulled the blankets one way, than his parents pulled them back. Baby balloon thought about this for a minute and then went and let a bit of air out of mammy balloon. He tried to pull the covers over himself, but it didn’t work. After another minute he decided to let a bit of air out of his father. Again he tried to cover himself but to no avail. As a last resort he let some air out of himself. Success. He could now cover himself with the blankets. All went well until the next morning when he woke up. His parents were standing over him, looking very saggy and annoyed. His father asked him what he had done during the night and after much beating around the bush, he confessed to what he did. His dad wasn’t at all happy and decided to give baby balloon a piece of his mind: "Not only have you let me down, he said, you’ve also let your mother down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down."
One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits!
Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian's breasts and butt cheeks?
A: Silicon Valley.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has said that he may run for President, but analysts predict it is much more likely that he will walk.
If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"