Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
Q: What did Osama Bin Laden's ghost say to Mitt Romney? A: "Don't be sad, Obama's foreign policy killed me too"
Featured on April 19, 2014
Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nun asks. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasp the other nuns. "What did you do?" they ask. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replies. The third nun faints.
Featured on April 18, 2014
Cannibal #1: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
Cannibal #2: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
Featured on April 17, 2014
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say."
Featured on April 16, 2014
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
Featured on April 15, 2014
Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"
Featured on April 14, 2014
My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.
Featured on April 13, 2014