Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's Halloween.
Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall St Journal? He heard it had great circulation...
Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!